Saturday, May 16, 2009

I'm really scared.

So I'm really scared. We're basically getting rid of everything we have and taking a one-way ticket to another land across the ocean. When we go, we won't have a return ticket in hand. I mean, it's exciting, don't get me wrong. We're going to be living in Germany for the next two to three years. That's absolutely awesome. It's also the scariest thing I have done.

I spent about five months in Egypt while I was in college. It was a study abroad program. That was different. Back then, I had very few responsibilities. I certainly didn't have to think of such grown up things as saving for retirement one day and ensuring my wife was going to be happy. I guess I can't ensure any of that.

I am so used to having control over what happens to me. I am so used to using my judgement to make sure everything is going to be ok. Today I live in Winston-Salem, NC. I have never in my life been happier than living here. I am scared out of my mind of what will happen when we move. We even need to leave our cat behind. I am going to miss her.

I am going to miss all the friends I have here. I am going to miss knowing Dave at City Beverage telling me what this beer is and where it came from. Dave makes really cool animations. Disney would prove themselves idiots if they don't pick him up soon. I'm going to miss my friends at the Med-school who've made their lives more permanent there. I'm going to miss the friends who are coming over tonight.

Six years and a PhD and all the memories I could ever ask for. Thursday I am going to a friends to brew beer with him. I told him I wanted to do the full process one more time (I use extracts, he uses whole grains) before I left town. Really I just want some more time with just him before I leave. Six years may not seem like much, but it's a long time. It's time enough to meet the love of your life, get married and find the best friends you've ever had. It's time enough to learn you can really contribute to something. It's time enough to learn you find friends in all sorts of places.

When I was seventeen, my family had to move from Houston, TX to New Orleans, LA. I thought I'd never feel like I was home ever again. There's that feeling that you have, that sense of comfort and belonging that is so hard to find otherwise. I lived in New Orleans and Birmingham, AL and Greencastle, IN and never felt at home. I was fine during most of those times because I had let go of the idea of home. I came here in the same mind-set. At first, this was just another place. Over time, it felt like home. I finaly felt like I belong. I finaly had that feeling that I hadn't had since I was a child.

I know, I absolutely know I have to move on. It's time. I defend at the end of June. It's time for me to move on. I just hope I find half as much where I am going as I have found here.

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